Thursday, November 23, 2006

Stand up if you hate Chelsea!

Top Ten Reasons I Can't Stand Chelsea

1) Didier Drogba

His favourite sport besides football: Scuba diving and skydiving. His favourite word: Dive. Used as a slang word to mean cool, hot, trendy e.g. "Hey, that chick is DIVE, man!" or "What a DIVE club this is!" He originally wanted to change his name to Diver Drogba but when people kept pronouncing it Dee-ver instead of the correct way Die-ver, he got frustrated and changed it back to Didier.

2) Arjen Robben

He attracted the attention of Man Utd as a precocious 19-year-old. After flying all the way to Manchester to meet with the manager and the players, and given a tour of the Carrington training complex, he verbally agreed to sign for Man Utd and gave interviews to that effect. His father, also his agent, publicly declared that he would not allow his son to sign for a club other than Manchester United. Two weeks later, BA-BOOM! Robben signs a (more) lucrative contract with Chelsea and insists he had wanted to join them all along. Now he has recently told Sky Sports that he is unhappy with his lack of first-team chances at Chelsea, regrets joining and wants to leave. Ha! That's called reaping what you sow, you filthy turncoat.

3) John Obi Mikel

A 16-year-old playing for Norwegian club Lyn Oslo, Manchester United snapped him up quickly. He signed his contract with Man Utd, held press conferences and was snapped wearing Man Utd jerseys, grinning happily and shaking hands with Sir Alex. After that, he abruptly vanished for 8 days. Without contacting his club or family, he suddenly turned up in London. Crying, he claimed
he had been "forced" into signing for Man Utd and the club he really wanted to play for was - wait for it - Chelsea! He also said he would not return to Norway unless Lyn Oslo released him from his contract with Man Utd and let him sign for Chelsea. Man Utd were furious, Lyn were furious, and a complaint was lodged to FIFA, who ruled in Man Utd's favour. Chelsea though were so determined to get the boy they paid Man Utd and Lyn a total of 16 million pounds for him. 16 million for a 16-year-old traitor who gets brainwashed in 8 days? HAVE him, Chelsea.

4) Peter Kenyon

As Man Utd's previous Chief Executive, he was the brains behind our financial power and the one who engendered many of our high-profile and successful transfers. Abramovich flashed some cash, Kenyon packed his bags, and soon he is implicated in the various tapping-up sagas that severely blemished his reputation. Nothing of this sort happened when he was at Man Utd.

5) Ashley Cole

Moneyfaced and overrated. I'm no Arsenal fan but the way he treated his boyhood club over the mere possibility of a big-money move is nothing short of disgraceful. Clandestine meetings in London restaurant with the aforementioned Kenyon; criticising his club, his manager and his fans in his autobiography; and then not even being able to play well after moving. He's just married Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Tweedy. But does he know that even I wouldn't even have given him the time of day if he wasn't Cashley Cole, much less some singing bimbo.

6) Jose Mourinho

One day, God, saddened by the amount of arrogance that was plaguing the world and making its people miserable, gathered up all the arrogance on Earth and rolled it into a huge, big ball. But He didn't know where to put it; if He left it somewhere in Heaven, it might roll off a cloud back to Earth; the angels might play with it and get all arrogant; and He was afraid it might dissipate and spread again. So He decided to seal it up in the body of a single person. "One arrogant person is better than 10 million," He thought, for the ball in his hands contained the arrogance of 10 million people. He cast around for a suitable candidate, and His Eye fell upon a squalling boy infant in a crib in Portugal. The little one was then infused with the arrogance of 10 million, and God saw that it was good. Little did He know that this boy would grow up to manage one of the largest football clubs in one of the most popular football leagues in the world, thus spreading his arrogance worldwide yet again.

7) Stamford Beach

Why is the Stamford Bridge pitch always in such a disgraceful state? No doubt it's located in a depression next to a river, but with all the money at their disposal you'd think Chelsea could afford to fine-tune their drainage system a little so opponents are actually given a fair crack at dribbling the ball, instead of slipping and falling and breaking bones and tearing ligaments. And since the Stamford Bridge pitch is already in such bad shape, why water it some more the day before a match? Chelsea may have people who enjoy scuba diving, but other teams don't.

8) Yawn of the century

I might actually like watching Chelsea if they played football the way it was meant to be played: Scintillating, entertaining, set-me-on-fire type of Beautiful Football. Not score-one-goal-and-shut-up-shop type football. A lot of people will point out their 4-0 triumphs over Watford and Aston Villa as proof to the contrary. But actually watching those matches will probably put you to sleep. No flair, no beauty. Just 10 big golems storming down the pitch. Boring, boring, boring.

9) Death threats

What do referee Anders Frisk and Reading player Stephen Hunt have in common? Why, death threats from Chelsea fans, of course. Frisk had the misfortune of refereeing a Champs League match between Chelsea and (I think) Barcelona, sent off a Chelsea player (I think it was Drogba), and received threats to himself and his family so severe he quit refereeing. Stephen Hunt clattered into Petr Cech and fractured his skull, and right on cue, the death threats came. (Just a note: I really feel absolutely sympathetic for Cech because the clash was really bad and so is his injury, but in no way do I think Hunt did it maliciously.) Next up on Chelsea's death threat list should be Graham Poll. I bet Chelsea fans would sell their soul just to get their hands on a Death Note.

10) Boyfriend supports Chelsea

Ok, so he's been supporting them for 8 years, way before the Russian Revolution. But after they wrested the Premiership from Man Utd over the last 2 years, he has turned insufferably smug. (See, proof that arrogance is contagious.) We are 5 days away from the match and already he is confidently proclaiming that Man Utd will lose. But I am no slouch myself. I'll tell him that if Man Utd loses, he'll get no sex for a year. Then I shall post photos of what it looks like when a Chelsea fan is desperately praying for Man Utd to win. *evil laughter*


At 8:21 AM, November 24, 2006, Blogger limyengchuan said...

Cross your fingers, Freddy Edu will not be on your top 10 reasons to hate Chelsea.

If he does, perhaps your boyfriend will be relegated to number 11. At least his sex life will improve, though!

At 4:45 PM, November 24, 2006, Anonymous ihawk98 said...

I stand with you Sheena!


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